The Memaw Method: Dateline, Not a Date

Free this weekend? Keith Morrison looks like he already knows where this date is headed. 😂🌲 Coffee? Lovely. A wooded trail with a man you barely know? Memaw says that’s Dateline, not a date. 💅 Photo: Keith Morrison, Dateline NBC

Coffee and a nice walk? Sure. But that wooded trail can wait.

A gentleman named Terrance Wills recently had a question for the women of Threads.

“Do girls consider coffee and a nice morning walk down a wooded trail ‘a date’?”

Well, Terrance, the women have entered the chat.

Memaw’s favorite? “A Dateline, not a date.”

I nearly spit out my coffee.

But underneath all the jokes is a legitimate question about dating safety, particularly when you’re meeting someone you barely know.

So let’s talk about it.

First, let’s be fair to Terrance. We don’t know him. We don’t know his intentions. Maybe he genuinely loves hiking and thinks coffee followed by a peaceful morning stroll sounds like a perfectly lovely date. There is nothing inherently dangerous about a wooded trail.

The problem is that the woman he’s asking doesn’t know any of that yet. That’s what makes it a first date. You’re still figuring out who this person actually is.

It’s Not the Woods. It’s the Isolation.

Dating-safety experts recommend that those early meetings happen in public, populated places.

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) recommends avoiding private or isolated locations during the first few dates and suggests telling someone you trust where you’re going, maintaining control of your transportation and having a plan for getting out if you become uncomfortable.

That advice isn’t based on the assumption that every stranger is a potential predator.

It’s based on something considerably simpler:

You don’t know the stranger yet.

A coffee shop gives you other people, employees, lights, doors and a reasonably uncomplicated way to leave.

A wooded trail gives you trees.

Lovely trees, I’m sure.

But if something uncomfortable happens, there may be considerably fewer people around to notice.

That doesn’t mean something bad will happen.

It means you’ve voluntarily removed some of the basic safety advantages of a public first meeting.

And for a first date, why would you need to do that?

Coffee First. The Woods Can Wait.

Here’s where Memaw gets practical.

If someone you’ve never met suggests coffee and a secluded trail for the first date, you can simply say, “How about coffee first?”

That’s not an accusation. It’s not an insult. It’s not a declaration that you believe the man is secretly hiding a chainsaw behind his back. And, it’s a perfectly reasonable boundary.

If he says, “Sure,” wonderful. Go have coffee.

See if you enjoy talking to him. See if there is chemistry. See whether he treats other people with respect. Then, if you both decide you want to go hiking together later, there’s a little more information between you and that trail.

But suppose he gets irritated.

Maybe he tells you you’re being paranoid. Maybe he tries to convince you that you’re being ridiculous. Maybe he keeps pushing after you’ve said you’re uncomfortable.

That doesn’t prove he’s dangerous.

It does tell you something about how he responds when you set a boundary. And, that’s useful information to have.

You don’t need to diagnose a person to decide you don’t want another date with him. Sometimes “No, thank you” is enough.

Teenage Girls and Boys Need This Lesson, Too

Now I’m going to talk to the teenagers for a minute.

Dating doesn’t always begin with somebody you know from school asking whether you’d like to go to a movie Friday night anymore.

Sometimes it begins with a message. A social-media account. A gaming platform.

A person you’ve been talking to for weeks who somehow feels familiar because you’ve shared jokes, conversations and pieces of your life through a screen.

But knowing someone’s online personality isn’t the same thing as knowing that person in real life.

The CDC says teen dating violence can happen in person, online or through technology. Its national data have found that among high school students who had dated, about 1 in 12 experienced physical dating violence and about 1 in 10 experienced sexual dating violence. Female students reported higher rates than male students.

That’s why the conversation about healthy relationships and safety needs to start early.

The CDC’s Dating Matters program is designed for young adolescents, including middle-school-age kids, because relationship skills aren’t something we should wait until adulthood to teach.

And one of the most important lessons is beautifully simple:

You never have to prove you’re mature by ignoring your own discomfort.

If a teenager is meeting someone she primarily knows online, a trusted adult should know about the meeting. The first meeting should happen somewhere public, and she should have a reliable way to get home that doesn’t depend on the person she’s meeting.

The National Cybersecurity Alliance also recommends a bright, public location for that first meeting and encourages parents to stay involved.

That’s not about ruining the romance.

It’s about making sure there is a tomorrow in which everybody gets to decide whether there should be a second date.

Women Aren’t Required to Give Up Their Safety to Be Polite

Here’s the part that bothers me about the way women sometimes get talked to about dating safety.

A woman says, “I’d rather meet in public,” and suddenly somebody wants to debate whether she’s being paranoid.

Why?

She doesn’t have to believe every man is dangerous. She only has to recognize that she doesn’t know this particular man yet.

Those are two very different things. Women have been taught for generations to be polite.

Don’t offend him.

Don’t hurt his feelings.

Don’t make a scene.

Don’t be rude.

Well, ladies, sometimes protecting yourself requires being a little less concerned about whether somebody thinks you’re rude.

You can be perfectly polite while saying no. You can be friendly while choosing the restaurant instead of the trail. You can be interested in somebody while still keeping control of your own transportation. And, you can change your mind.

At any point.

You don’t need a signed affidavit explaining why.

The Date Should Be the Fun Part

A first date should be about discovering whether you actually like somebody. Maybe there’s chemistry. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe you laugh until coffee comes out your nose. Maybe you’re checking the clock and wondering whether 27 minutes is long enough to qualify as giving the poor guy a fair chance.

That’s dating.

What it shouldn’t involve is wondering whether you’re making an unnecessary safety gamble by going somewhere isolated with someone you’ve never met.

So, Terrance, here’s the answer to your question:

Yes, coffee and a walk can absolutely be a date.

But if you’re asking a woman you’ve barely met to accompany you down a wooded trail, don’t be surprised if she would rather just start with the coffee.

And, if she says, “I’d feel more comfortable meeting somewhere public,” the best response is pretty simple:

“Sure. Where would you like to meet?”

Because if you’re genuinely interested in getting to know someone, giving her a setting where she feels comfortable isn’t exactly a hardship. In fact, it gives you a much better chance of actually getting to know her.

Ladies, if somebody suggests taking you into the woods on the first date and your brain immediately starts playing the Dateline theme?

Listen to the little voice.

You don’t have to accuse him of anything. You don’t have to decide he’s dangerous. You don’t have to make a TikTok about it.

You can simply say:

“Coffee sounds great. Let’s meet there.”

Then see what happens.

Because the goal of a first date is to decide whether you’d like a second one.

Not whether your loved ones will need to organize a search party.

Memaw has spoken. 💖

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Sources

National Cybersecurity Alliance: “Parenting in the Digital Age: 7 Online Dating Rules for Your Teens”
National Cybersecurity Alliance: Online Dating Rules for Your Teens

RAINN: “Tips for Safer Dating: Online & IRL”
RAINN: Tips for Safer Dating

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: “About Teen Dating Violence”
CDC: About Teen Dating Violence

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: “Dating Matters®: Strategies to Promote Healthy Teen Relationships”
CDC: Dating Matters

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