💅The Memaw Method: When 40 Years of Friendship Was Never Really Mutual

Memaw doesn’t sugarcoat patterns. She names them.

The Connection Was Never Mutual. Just Familiar.

Q: Dear Memaw, I’ve known a woman since middle school, over 40 years now. On paper that sounds like a deep, lifelong friendship, but I’m starting to realize something uncomfortable. She only reaches out when it suits her, when she’s bored, or when she wants to talk about what’s going on in her life. And even then, it’s always framed like she’s in motion: “I’m on the way to a meeting,” or “I’m here, gotta go!”When I call or text her, she’s typically busy, rushing me off, or unavailable. Conversations are short, and even when I respond warmly, she doesn’t really continue the connection. It feels one-sided, but I feel guilty even questioning a friendship this long. What am I supposed to make of this?**

— Signed, Not on Her Priority List

A: Dear Honey,

Memaw is going to start with something you need to stop negotiating with yourself about.

History does not equal current effort.

Forty years of knowing someone means you have history. It does not guarantee ongoing participation.

Friendship only exists where effort is mutual. Without that, you are not looking at a balanced relationship. You are looking at uneven maintenance.

Let’s call your friend “Brenda.”

Brenda reaches out when it serves her moment. When she wants to talk, when she’s passing time, when something in her life is already in motion.

But she does not stay. Every interaction has an exit built into it. She is always between things, never fully in the conversation.

When you reach out, the pattern repeats. Limited time. Divided attention. No sustained engagement. The connection starts, then quickly ends without continuation.

That is not confusion. That is consistency of a different kind. And it means you are not someone she prioritizes showing up for.

When someone repeatedly shows you they engage only when it suits them, you are not dealing with a mystery. You are dealing with placement in their life. Not your worth as a person, not your history, just where you sit in their current priorities.

— 💅 Memaw

Got a question for Memaw? Send it in to alaskaheadlineliving@gmail.com. If it’s messy, confusing, or you can’t quite name it, that’s usually the one worth asking.

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